laminae | Kaisou Inbox

[Varian was blissfully unaware the letter had made it out of his room. He'd written it, agonised over it for a few days, then crumpled it into his wastepaper bin. He hadn't bet on Ruddiger fishing the damn thing out and leaving it outside his room for Fern to find. He hadn't bet on that at all. As far as he knows, the thing was thrown out with the rest of the trash weeks ago.

So when Fern comes into his room, he has no idea what it's about. He's been quieter, since the portal, a little more withdrawn. The guilt has rested heavily on him, and he can't help but feel like the worst failure in history. Worse than that. Just fundamentally broken. Someone who makes a mess everywhere he goes.

But Fern knows his past. He knows it and he's still here. Fern's...safe. So he does manage to force a tired smile, looking up from whatever he's working on.]

Not that busy. You okay? You look...nervous. Did- did something else happen?

[Upon seeing Varian, Fern promptly loses his nerve and crumples the paper into a ball, hiding it behind his back.]

No! Um, no, nada. Nothing happened.

[Glob, he can't just drop this on Varian after everything that happened recently. He needs to ease him into this somehow, try to break it to him gently. He rocks back on his heels, looking around awkwardly.]

You... wanna take a break and get some food or something?

[He might not be able to eat, but maybe food will help.]

[Varian catches Fern's hand movement but doesn't catch what he's actually holding. His brow furrows a little in gentle confusion. Something seems...off. ]

Um...sure? I guess I could eat something.

[He knows Fern doesn't eat, but he's gotten used to going out to get food with the other boy. Even if "get some food" means he gets food and Fern watches him eat it. It's fine. It's familiar at this point. Comfortable.

He puts his work down, standing up. ]

You got any place in mind?

[He very quickly shoves the paper into his back pocket. Luckily, he has just the place to suggest.]

How about that furniture store with the mimic I had to take care of? Uh... what's it called? Ikea? They gave me a voucher for a free lunch, and if I keep it it's gonna go to waste.

[Varian has been to IKEA once with Ken and that sure was... an experience.]

Okay, but I suggest we take some string to tie to the exit. That place is a maze - I got stuck in there for hours last time. Nice they gave you something for all the trouble you went to, it's just a shame you couldn't use it yourself.

[A beat.]

Not that I'm gonna turn down the fruits of your labours, of course.

[Because...free meal!]

[He snorts out a laugh at that.]

It's cool, man. And I've been through plenty of dungeons, that place is practically the same as them, so don't worry. We won't get lost.

[It'll take them a bit to get out to Ikea but eventually they arrive there, and head on up to the restaurant. Fern will turn in his voucher for the free meatballs for Varian, and he'll get himself a cup of coffee. He can't drink it here without looking like a total weirdo, but it's at least nice to have to hold.

Once they find a table Fern curls his hands around the mug, looking down at it thoughtfully.]

Sooo, I hope their food's pretty decent.

I'm holding you to that.

[Varian is pretty damn certain they're going to get lost in this maze, but he has more faith in Fern than his faith in how likely things are to go south.

Still, once they're sat down, the worry of things going wrong is much lower. This is nice. Being out here with Fern, with food. Well. His food and Fern's coffee. He likes spending time with Fern, and while they're here, he can pretend everything else just...isn't happening. That everything is normal and he's not a complete disaster of a person.

He stabs a meatball with a fork, putting it to his mouth to chew.]

Yeah! It's really good. I wish you could taste it.

I can still taste food, I just don't have any guts.

[Hey, this is a nice distraction, even though he knows damn well he needs to steer the conversation towards the letter and not food. He looks down at his coffee, rotating the mug in his hands.]

Don't ask me how that works. I got no clue.

[Probably some stupid magic curse business, he doesn't know.]

Oh. Well. Maybe we can figure out a way to- to make it so you can enjoy food and still...eat it? Just...in a plant way?

[He's not sure how yet- a few ideas spark up in his mind but he smothers them out. His smile fades as he drops his gaze to the plate of food. He pokes at a meatball with his fork.]

...Probably not, though. At this point, I think I'd just mess it up.

[Because he's so very good at that, right now. He hasn't yet managed to dust himself off from his latest disaster. It still hangs heavy on him and the last thing he wants to do is mess up with something that could potentially hurt Fern. ]

[Fern frowns as he watches Varian deflate. He hates seeing him like this.]

You're my best friend, I bet anything you do would be an improvement.

[Maybe a distraction will help? He shifts a bit, pulling the letter out of his pocket.]

Speaking of that. I, uh - found this. [Uncrumpling it, he spreads it out on the table for Varian to see.]

[Varian hunches his shoulders, staring at the table.]

I don't know. I think I'm just destined to mess everything u-

[He doesn't get to finish the sentence as the letter is put on the table. Varian's brow furrows in confusion- it takes him a moment to register what's been put in front of him. Then he recognises his handwriting and the words he wrote and the colour drains from his face.

Oh no. Oh no. Oh no no no no. He doesn't look at Fern right away, his eyes fixed on the paper. ]

H-how did you find this? I threw it away. I don't- you...you weren't supposed to see this.

[He can feels his face turning several shades of green darker, but he knows he can't just ignore this. They need to talk about it, and might as well rip the band-aid off now.

(Maybe trying to talk about this when Varian is in the middle of a self-deprecating spiral isn't the best idea but it's not like Fern is made of good ideas.)

He looks rather surprised at Varian's reaction. And embarrassed, because cool he wasn't supposed to see this.]

Oh. Uh. [Smooth.] I found it outside your room.

What? No- I put it in the tras- [Varian stills, because suddenly he realises he's been betrayed, he balls his hands into fists for a moment] Ruddiger. Ruddiger took it out.

[How could his own trusty raccoon do him dirty like that? He realises he can't...not not look at Fern ever again (they live together, that would get silly) and bailing would also be...unwise. So he finally looks up at him from the paper and notices the other boy is blushing.

His own cheeks heat up as he groans softly, putting his face in his hands, mortified. A soft, distressed whine bubbles out of him. ]

I'm so sorry. I'm trying to get a handle on it, really, I am.

[He looks up again, his face sincere and more than a little frightened.]

I- that-that was what the letter was about. Trying to get a handle on it. I don't want to make it weird or awkward for you. Don't...I mean you don't have to worry about me making it weird or awkward. Except now. I guess. Because I made it weird and awkward.

[And this is definitely where the self-deprecating spiral kicks in because it has not occurred to Varian, even for a second, that Fern might like him back. He rubs the back of his neck, the rejection already solidified in his mind. ]

You don't have to worry about ...letting me down gently or...pitying me or something. I get it. It's...fine.

[Ruddiger? Fern blinks, then makes a frustrated noise.] That wily donk -

[He must have planned it, the dastardly raccoon! Of course, he could've just dug it out of the trash, realized it wasn't food, then dropped it out of boredom, but he's going to assume it was an elaborate scheme. That isn't the important thing here, what's important is dealing with Varian's feelings.

Which are... sincere, holy cow. This isn't a prank, or some stupid venting, it's sincere. He's a pile of grass in the vague shape of a person and for whatever bizarre reason, Varian has legitimate feelings for him. His mind is totally blown here, and for several seconds all he can do is stare at Varian like he's grown a second head.]

I... I don't wanna pity you. There's no way I could do that.

[He manages to get that out, but then he looks down at his hands, fiddling with his fingers.]

Is that whole letter true? You seriously like-like a bunch of grass?

[Ruddiger is the worst betrayer in the world and Varian is gonna YELL at him later. Varian has been staring a hole into the table, stuck between utter mortification and sinking dread that he's ruined the best friendship he's had in his entire life. He vaguely hears Fern reassure him he doesn't pity him, but Varian doesn't know if he believes him.

He's messed this up so badly. He shouldn't have written the letter at all.

But then Fern says that and he looks up sharply. ]

You're not just a bunch of grass! You're a person and an incredible one. You're brave and honest and loyal- you'd do anything for the people you care about you-

[His brain finally catches up with his mouth and he flushes again.]

I-I mean, yeah. Of course, it's true. I like-like you a lot.

[Oh geez, Fern starts at the sudden emphatic argument. He knew Varian disagreed with him about this, but it's still a lot to hear. He knows he really doesn't deserve all these compliments, which only strengthens the idea that Varian's feelings are genuine.

He can feel his blush deepening as he fusses with the grass in one thumb.]

Okay. That's - you know that makes you totally weird, right? [Stupid question, he's sure Varian is well aware he's weird.]

It's not bad, though. Um. I think it's good. 'Cause I like you, too? Like, a lot.

[That doesn't really sound good enough to him, and he makes a frustrated noise as he scrubs his hands over his face.]

Globbit, I'm really bad at this.

I was weird before I ever met you, so I wouldn't read too much into that.

[You can't take credit for his weirdness, Fern, that's rude!

He definitely wasn't expecting Fern to return his feelings, though. He was fully expecting to be let down gently (he didn't think Fern would have laughed or been angry at him- he knows the other boy too well for that) and for Fern to just avoid him for the rest of forever.

So when Fern does that, he just stares, confused. ]

Wh-what? You do? [He's a complete mess of a person who just caused an actual city-wide disaster. He doesn't understand why anyone would like him at all, much less like that. He's not used to his crushes being requited. ] ...Really?

[Maybe that helps a little, Varian being a total weirdo. Fern can't ever imagine a normal person being interested in him like this, and it's one more thing they have in common, being weirdos.]

Yeah. You're smart, and you're really passionate about science and stuff. Even though I'm not any good at it it's fun watching you do experiments, 'cause they make you so excited.

[Explaining all of that makes him feel a little flustered, but it's also nice. He knows Varian could use some compliments after the portal mess.]

And you might've done bad stuff in the past and are uh... a criminal, but I'm not a good person either, so I get it. I feel like I get you more than I get most other people.

[Fern is absolutely correct. After the mess with the portal, Varian really could use some compliments. He's certainly not giving any to himself right now. He stares at Fern, wide-eyed as he lays on those compliments, his cheeks heating up, his heart doing a little flip-flop in his chest. ]

Oh...wow. Um...th-thank you?

[He has no idea how to respond to these sorts of compliments. He's completely and utterly out of his depth right now. But Fern is right- he really DOES get him. Varian's gaze drops back to the table.]

Yeah. Yeah. I think you understand me better than...literally anyone ever. It's- it's not exactly a thing that's...easy to understand.

[It feels weirdly good to him too to be saying all of that. In fact, it's the same kind of floaty-insides-twisting feeling he had gotten way back when he was Finn and he had first met Flame Princess. This is less of a total disaster, since Varian currently isn't threatening to burn the entire city down, so he's taking that as motivation to keep on going.]

Yeah! My whole life's been this weird, messed up thing, I didn't think I'd ever find anyone who'd get it. [He's just going to casually reach over and grab one of Varian's hands with his own, nbd.] You're just - you're really cool and handsome, and I'm really glad we're friends even if you make my brain go all stupid! And if you feel the same way then we should do something about it, maybe, even though I've only ever dated girls before!

[No threats of city immolation here!

Varian was not expecting Fern to just grab his hand, and he definitely wasn't expecting to be called handsome. No one has ever called him handsome in his entire life. So for a moment there he kind of...short circuits. Just staring at the hand gripping his- oh god, is his hand sweaty? He feels like his hand is sweaty. He's wearing gloves but it doesn't matter, but his hand is totally sweaty. Is he gonna pass out? Maybe!!! He's definitely blushing a lot more now and he's mostly certain a person can probably pass out from that. ]

Oh...wow. Thank you.

[He repeats himself slowly. Like a moron. He doesn't know how else to respond to being called handsome. Shit, fuck, what would Eugene do? Probably that weird thing with his face. Varian's not convinced he can emulate that. So he settles for giving Fern's hand a little squeeze. ]

You- you're really cool and handsome too? And hah, yeah, my brain definitely goes stupid around you. That's the oxytocin! It does that to your brain. Well. My brain, I don't actually know if it would do that to your brain being made of plant matter and all. But maybe you have something like that?

[This is the wrong thing to focus on. Fern says we should do something about it and his pulse quickens. He had prepared for himself to be utterly let down gently after that letter dropped on the table, he had not thought for a second it would go the other way. He smiles awkwardly, raising his shoulders in a little shrug. ]

Well...I mean, I've never dated anyone before, so you've got one over on me already.

[He isn't used to any of the compliments either, and for a split second he starts debating what Finn would do in this kind of situation. But he cuts himself off very quickly, not wanting to compare himself to Finn, and besides, Finn's track record with dating isn't exactly good.

He ends up trying to not grin like a huge doofus, and focus on this new information.]

Seriously? You haven't? Oh wow.... [Okay, okay so Varian's a total newbie when it comes to the dating scene. He isn't sure if that makes thing easier or harder.]

That's - that's okay. We could figure this out together. If you wanna, of course. If you don't wanna do anything that's okay, too.

[A nervous laugh escapes him as he waves his free hand airily.]

Well, y'know, between all the high treason and the prison and then helping save the kingdom from a demon bent on destroying it, I just never found the time to get onto the dating scene.

[As confident and light-hearted as that comment was, at Fern's suggestion the flush comes back to his cheeks. He's suddenly very aware of his tongue. Has it always been this big? How does he even speak actual words? ]

Yes! [That was a little TOO loud, oops. He clears his throat.] I-um. I mean, yes. I'd like to figure it out. With you.

[Fern laughs a little at that too. A normal person might be put off by Varian's excuse to not be in the dating scene being high treason, but Fern totally gets it. Sometimes you're too busy doing villainous things to go out with someone. That's just how it is sometimes.]

Okay! Okay, cool, then - that means we're boyfriends, huh?

[He doesn't even have a heart but it feels like it's swelling up and about to burst.]

That's so sick.

[Boyfriends. Wow. Varian had honestly got to a point where he'd accepted he'd be alone for good, back home. After all, no one in their right mind would want to be with someone with as chequered a past as he had. Even in years to come, he would never be able to shake off his past, nor would he choose to. He knew his penance there.

But Fern knows about his past- he knows all there is to know and he's still here, saying he wants to be with him. That he still cares.]

I guess it does, huh?

[Wow, he feels all kinds of fuzzy and weird. He's no stranger to romantic feelings, but having those feelings reciprocated is a whole other thing. Luckily, Fern drops a boulder in his train of thought and he blinks, confused. ]

Uh- like. An illness? A bad thing sick?

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